All Posts By

Kelley Greene

Influenster

The Estée Edit Makeup VoxBox

I got my newest Influenster VoxBox in the mail and it was filled with some fun goodies from Estée Edit. Here’s what I got:

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Included were:

To start from the top — the Eye Kajal. Here’s a swatch on my wrist:

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This stuff is smooth and creamy, and goes on like buttah. It’s made to give a smudgy, “slept-in” look, and this stuff smudges like nobody’s business. On top of that, it’s super waterproof. I went to wash this off with soap and water and it took over a day to wear off. So…going for that “slept-in” look should be easy to attain, considering you actually can sleep in it. I really like both shades on this and am looking forward to using it more!

Next up, the Late Night Eraser. I like this stuff pretty well and it’s very light, which is nice. Although, as it stands, I’m still partial to my Arbonne Corrective Eye Creme, and it’d be pretty tough to get me to leave it.

The Mettalishadow Creme and Powder are not really my style, and feel way too dark for anything I’d use normally. Even going out, I’m not one to use eyeshadow much at all, so this is a little too much for me. To be honest, I’m completely intimidated by the shade.

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Silver shiny stuff I can do. The black…not so much. I don’t really know what to do with this quite yet. Maybe I’ll get wild and save it for my bachelorette party.

And finally, the Radiance Activator is not what I expected. First off, it’s tan/beige in color. I expected it to be white. Secondly, it has, like…glitter in it. I put it on the back of my hand to test (my skin is ultra sensitive and will break out at the slightest inkling of a chemical it doesn’t like, so I always test there first). The smell is nice, kind of gentle and flowery. But it’s…sparkly. It’s not overkill, but I’m not sure I find it fair to say that a product makes you “glow” when in reality it’s putting tiny shinies all over you. Not really my speed.

 

Overall, the product I’m most thrilled with is the Eye Kajal (eyeliner, if ya nasty). It’s a definite keeper, and I would recommend it! My last bit of feedback on these is: the caps are mirror-y and show fingerprints like a mother. Not ideal for my OCD.

Interested in joining Influenster for some test freebies? Sign up here.

Books, Life, Writing

Wedding Planning & “Our Perfect Marriage”

Folks have been asking me basically since the day after we got engaged how wedding planning is going, and my answer has been pretty much the same for the last couple of months: “Umm…we have the list done?” How soon are you supposed to set a date, anyway? What comes first? Colors? Time of year? Venue? Date? Invites? I don’t think anyone really knows, and if they say they do, they’re either a liar or a professional wedding planner.

Which comes to my main point: we’re going to hire a professional wedding planner.

And no, we haven’t found one yet. We have a place we found on Yelp that we’re planning to meet with, at least. But we don’t have a date to meet with them. Damon wanted to make one but I was sick for like 2 weeks and demanded that we not meet the wedding planner while I was coughing all over the place.

This place we found will even make you your own binder with all the deets inside, so I’ll have that to consult when people ask me questions. BOOYAH. As long as I can give off the appearance of knowing what the hell I’m doing, I’m happy.

 

In related news, today our pals’ fantastic new book comes out today: Our Perfect Marriage.

 

One of the many driving factors behind pushing forward with our wedding planning (other than actually getting married, of course) is how much fun Damon and I are going to have sitting down to fill this thing out afterward. The book is basically a mad-libs style fill in the blank journal that you can have forever and ever. The quizzes are hysterical, and I’m not sure I’m going to allow D to fill out the “My Most Annoying Habit” section, unless he wants my most annoying habit to become taking this book away forever.

However, I am pretty stoked to see what he sees in the couples’ Rorschach test, because I already looked at it and they’re all baby animals or demons. Hope he gets those right.

And — if you were thinking about getting this for us for our wedding, please do. We already have a copy but I forsee me wanting a new one when Damon gets his messy handwriting in it or I see what he put down about my kitchen chore habits. Also, if you’re getting married any time soon and want to invite me solely for the purpose of getting this book as a gift: done and done.

 

Wedding planning updates to come as soon as I have ’em. In the meantime, go get this book and have some fun with your husband/wife!

Food & Recipes, Life

Incredibly Easy Peach Pie

Incredibly Easy Peach Pie Recipe

If you, like me, are not ready for summer to end, ignore all the pumpkin-everything being tossed at you for one last hurrah — this incredibly easy peach pie recipe!

And when I say “Incredibly Easy,” I mean incredibly easy. So much so that even managed to make this (under the ever-watchful eye of Damon, of course). The recipe can be found here.

The ingredient list is minuscule, and if you bake from time to time, you probably already have most of this in your house:

  • pastry for a double-crust 9-inch pie (if you buy a frozen roll-out crust, they usually come with 2 already in the box)
  • 5 cups fresh peaches, sliced (I’ve now made this twice with frozen peaches to no ill-effect)
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 131cup all-purpose flour
  • 141teaspoon cinnamon
  • 2 tablespoons butter
  • 2 tablespoons sugar (this is for dusting the top, so save it till right before it goes into the oven)

So be honest, you already have most of this in your house, right?

Incredibly Easy Peach Pie ingredients

The instructions for this recipe are so simple. Here’s what ya do:

  • Grab all your dry ingredients (flour, sugar, and cinnamon) and put them into a mixing bowl. Stir ’em or whatever.
  • Next, drop in the peaches. Try to get a good covering over ’em. If you’re using frozen peaches like I did, the more they thaw, the easier it will be for stuff to stick to ’em.
  • Then, go ahead and roll out one pie crust into the pie dish. If you have long nails like me and keep stabbing it when you’re trying to unfurl it, make someone else do it. Or use a rolling pin or whatever (We don’t have one because I tossed it during a KonMari sesh — and don’t let that turn you off of KonMari, because this is literally the only time in 2016 I might have needed it. Instead I used Damon’s hands.).
  • Now dump the peaches in, and spread around the remaining dry ingredients.
  • Then, take pats of butter and spread them around the dish. Do a better job than I did in this picture.

Incredibly Easy Peach Pie Step 2

 

  • Seal it up with the other pie crust. Pinch it together all the way around, then cut a few slits in the top.
  • Lastly, sprinkle that remaining two tablespoons of sugar onto the top crust.

Incredibly Easy Peach Pie Step 3

  • It bakes for 35 to 45 minutes (or until it’s bubbling out of the top). You might also need to cover up the edges of the crust for a bit so they don’t burn, then remove the foil halfway through (I did this).

Incredibly Easy Peach Pie Finished

That’s it! SEE HOW EASY?

Incredibly Easy Peach Pie Delicious

hey pie slice, u up

Now eat pie forever (or until you run out). Also, if you haven’t tried TruWhip, it’s our fave brand of whipped cream and I highly recommend it. Dollop it high, pls. Oh and also, if you’re wondering why my photos aren’t gorgeously lit on my marble-topped kitchen island, it’s because I made this at night in our apartment kitchen that had only this area clean and pretty for cooking.

Now, go watch this video and enjoy your pie. Baked in a buttery, crispy flake. Er, flaky crust.

 

Life

What I Did On My Summer Staycation

I’m over halfway through my weeklong Summer Staycation (culminating in my birthday this Saturday). I’ve been really happy with the decision to take the time off — I think I needed it more than I realized.

Here’s a list of some of the things I’ve done this week:

  • Played the original Rollercoaster Tycoon game for more than 8 hours
  • Watched many episodes of Guy’s Grocery Games and Cutthroat Kitchen
  • Got some new plants for the windowsill
  • Did laundry (🤔)
  • Got out all my old toys for this Our Perfect Marriage photoshoot with Claire
  • Ate too much ice cream
  • Played Smite
  • Worked on my novel and a short story
  • Set up Hue lightbulbs throughout the house (ridiculous)
  • Scrolled through Facebook, Twitter and Reddit for hours on end

Basically, a perfect week. What more could you ask for?

Life

A New Dresser For Our Car

Early last month, Damon and I bought a small dresser from IKEA to put in our closet.

IKEA Kullen Dresser

The one he’s currently using for his unmentionables is one we bought at an estate sale for $10, and…well, we’ll just say we got our $10 worth out of it. It’s ready to move on to limbo (our alleyway), and it’s afterlife (when someone drives by, picks it up and does something far more creative with it than we could have). Suffice it to say, it’s on its last legs. It works, but it needs to go.

Anyway, we had a few other things to pick up out at the Schaumburg Swedish Superstore so we made the trip. And of course, it’s IKEA, so we spent hours there and I ended up buying some lighting, some shelves for Damon’s studio, and some weird foldable boxes that I have not found a use for yet:

IKEA Glodande Box With Lid

(Mine are the teal colored ones with red, white, and blue feathers. It was around the 4th of July, and I get real jacked up over patriotic stuff. It hasn’t ended this year because of the Olympics, and I’ve already bought two different pairs of patriotic Teva sandals. Help me.)

DSW Teva Patriotic Platform Sandals

HEART EYES 😍

DSW Teva Patriotic Sandals

MOAR HEART EYES 😍 😍

I’m getting distracted.

Point is, we went to IKEA, we bought a lot of things. Some of these things we needed, some we did not. And then we got home, and I tossed the boxes into the closet and we had our hands full with everything else so we left the dresser in its box, in the back end of the car, where it has resided ever since.

It lives there now, I guess. For the foreseeable future. Our car has a really nice new dresser, still in the box.

 

That’s all. Now quick, tell me about a time when you got procrastinate-y so I feel better about myself.

 

Life

THE OLYMPICS!

I am so ridiculously excited that the Opening Ceremony of the 2016 Olympics is tonight. I mean it. I’m so wound up about this shit that I even remembered to wear my Olympics tank top from Old Navy. (Yeah, I linked to it. Fecker’s on sale for $10.45.)

2016 Rio Olympics

Yeah, I used your logo. Come at me, NBC.

Look — I know that Rio is clearly not the safest place for the athletes. I’ve read all the articles, and I think the sewage water and mosquitos and Olympic village and robberies and everything else is a goddamn mess. I completely understand that we should be awarding a gold medal in the sport of “Life” to the guy who disarmed a robber with jiu jitsu. I am in no way naive enough to believe that everything going on in Rio right now is beautiful and perfect.

But, it’s the Olympics. My fervor will not be deterred. Seriously — we only get them every 4 years. And it’s SPORTS! Nonstop sports for the next two weeks. I’m about to get so intense about rhythmic gymnastics. You don’t even know. And synchronized swimming and trampoline and archery and pole vaulting and…everything. I will become an expert in every sport for the next two weeks. I’ll converse for hours on a gymnast’s standing back handspring. Don’t worry, within a month it’ll all be gone again.

This is also one of the few times you’ll catch me being rather nationalistic. Not because I’m “USA USA USA” but more like “US US US”. I am thrilled to watch anyone achieve a goal they’ve been working toward since they were a little kid. I get a sense of accomplishment and pride by proxy.

 

Anyway, if you need me for the next couple of weeks, you can find me stationed in front of a TV or computer streaming all the everything. OLYMPICS!

 

 

 

Life, Shopping, Technology

Best Gifts for The Pokemon Go Trainer in Your Life

I’ll be the first to admit I’ve been swept up into the Pokemon Go craze. And let’s be honest, so have you. Really, though — stop acting like this is the worst thing of all time. The real tragedy here isn’t that everyone is walking around with their heads down, looking at their iPhones — it’s how many Rattatas and Pidgeys are around my office buildling and my apartment.

I am someone who is averse to all major life changes — that is, unless it consists of catching adorable monsters and categorizing them. I’ve already been assimilated. This is my life now. I even got Damon to sign up, and we’ve been sitting on the couch next to each other catching Drowzees since a couple weekends ago. I’m on Team Mystic, and I gave my trainer purple hair.

Maybe you’re feeling it, maybe you aren’t. Either way, it can’t hurt to get a little something for your favorite Ash Ketchum (or yourself). Or me. Consider this an early Christmas list.

Here’s a compilation of the best Pokemon-themed goodies I found on the internet. Stop by these e-PokeStops and fill your backpack with items!

I’m not sure how I’ve managed to catch any Pokemon at this point without this hat. Straight outta the Pokemon TV show, this is the hat Ash Ketchum wears to do work, son. Catch ’em all and keep the sun outta your eyes.

I love everything about this. I will concede that I am obsessed with onesies — perhaps moreso than the average human being. But this thing is less than $20! I’ll put the Ash Ketchum hat on top of Pikachu’s head, on top of my head, I don’t care.

Geeky Jerseys Pokemon Trainer Hockey Jersey

Hot damn. Blackhawks colors, too! This jersey is fully customizable. You can choose the number and the name on the back. And the quality on these things is straight-up awesome. I have one of their jerseys in a GOT Night’s Watch theme and can’t say enough about the patches, stitching and breathability.

Pokemon House Mystic T-Shirt Etsy

Speaking of Game of Thrones…a Pokemon/Game of Thrones Mashup? I die. “House Mystic: When the snow falls, so shall they” — winter is coming, y’all. Straight up. Need.

Pokemon Snorlax Mask Etsy

After a long day of wandering all over town hunting the elusive Snorlax, come home and get a good nap in. You can block out the gentle glow of your open iPhone screen with this Snorlax Sleep Mask.

Just LOOK at this Charizard hat! It has ears!! Charmander has been my go-to since the days of Pokemon Red on Game Boy. Damon chose Bulbasaur as his starter on Pokemon Go. I learned a lot about him when I saw this, and I’d like to note I still accepted his marriage proposal afterward.

And, speaking of Damon…do you think I can get him to wear this? The backs say “I CHOOSE YOU”. Maybe if I go ahead and buy it and start wearing mine front and center I can guilt him in to it. I got no shame in my Poke-game.


There’s really nothing worse than gaining tons of e-points and e-medals and having nothing to show for it in real life. Here’s physical versions of your achievements. Now if only they could do this for Mario coins.

Pokemon Oddish Planter Etsy

Perfect for your desk, so if you work for a company that has banned Pokemon Go like Damon’s, you can still at least think about it during the day. Especially if you haven’t managed to snag one of these suckers yet (thanks, 3-step glitch) — if you can’t have it in-game, have it in real life!

Love the thoughtfulness of a hand-made gift? Here’s how to make one yourself from Darby Smart. (They also offer the supplies!)

Pokemon Pikachu Self Defense Keychain Etsy

This one goes out to the ladies — for those late nights when you’re perusing the streets for Pokemon after dark. Sometimes you gotta work late and push back your hunting time, I get it. I’m gonna be honest, Pikachu looks like he’s enjoying his use little too much. Can the eyes just look at me, instead of rolled back like that? But it’s like a set of Pokemon brass knuckles, so I dig it.

Pokemon Shotglass Etsy

Now here’s something you probably couldn’t do the first time you ever played Pokemon — drink. Damon’s getting Bulbasaur, of course. And here’s a fun drinking game to start — every time you get annoyed that the Pokemon Go servers won’t load, you take a shot. (Kidding. Please don’t. You might die.)

Pokemon Pokedex Phone Case Etsy

I mean…you gotta. This thing is too cool. I hear there’s a 3D printer pattern available out there, but if you haven’t got one, this looks like the place to go. Here’s some instructions for adding a battery charger so you can stay out hunting even longer.

 

So far, this is what I’ve got. Hopefully as the game becomes more popular the internet will birth even more fun goodies. Or evolve the existing ones. Anyhoo, I’m off to walk over to the kitchen to see if the GPS signal is good enough to access my office building’s centralized gym. Send me snapchats (kelleygreene) in your Pikachu onesies!

 

Life

We’re Engaged!

Aah! It’s true, I can’t believe it! Damon and I are engaged! Here’s the story.

Saturday we went out with plans to go to the Chicago Botanic Garden. We’d never been before, and I was excited to get out on such a beautiful day. It was super sunny and in the 70s so not too hot out! I also planned to snap some photos for the blog and hunt for some rare Pokemon along the way.

On the way, we stopped by the mall at Northbrook Court to pick up a new pair of sunglasses for me so I could actually enjoy being outside in the sunlight (Anyone else with pale eyes having a hell of a time this summer? Damon got some new Ray-Bans last weekend and had talked up the polarization so much I had to get some for myself.) and I also got a new sport band for my Apple Watch (thanks, Adam!).

After lunch we meandered over to the Botanic Garden.

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We were totally surprised at the crowd and had to wait in line just to get in to the parking lot. We found a spot pretty easily though. It’s $30 for parking! I’m guessing that’s just to cover keeping the place open, since entry is free. Membership is pretty reasonable though — $90 for the year, so the fee is covered in just 3 visits. We’re definitely considering it for next summer!

Anyhoo, we got inside and grabbed a map, then headed off through the gardens. They’re so gorgeous! It’s crazy to think this place is just outside the city. And it’s huge! There’s miles of trails to walk or ride bikes on. A lot of it is sectioned off as “prairie”, so we decided just to stick to the well-groomed and organized garden areas this trip so we could see all the pretty flowers.

Just as you exit the Visitor’s Center there’s a gorgeous floral overhang. I’ll admit I missed getting any quality photos of the area because I was a bit busy I snagging myself a Spearow and a Pidgey. Then we headed off to the left, where there were some amazing ponds with huge lilypads!

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Look at those flowers! I also wish I’d snapped a few more photos in this zone — there was a cool section of herbs such as mint and lavender, which smelled amazing. There was also some odd unlabeled plant there that had huge green-blue leaves and was covered with a soft, white fur. I wish I knew what it was. I need one for my in-home window jungle!

After this, we wandered over to the meticulously managed Japanese garden. It’s so amazing! Here’s a pic of some of the pine trees (Yes, those are just pine trees!) they’ve clipped on a little untouched island area. I have no idea how old these trees are, but they mention in some of the signage that they’re actually trimmed to give them more of an essence of age.

Chicago Botanic Garden Japanese Garden

Not pictured: The copious amounts of goose poop on the hill we were standing on.

As we headed up to the Japanese Garden area, we crossed the little zigzag bridge and Damon mentioned that he was really excited to see the willow trees. He’d spent a lot of time under them as a kid and was looking forward to reminiscing. It wasn’t something we had ever really talked about before, but he told me some sweet stories about sitting under them as a place to think when he was growing up.

We walked under the first one we saw and some geese swam up and approached us, bringing with them a bunch of tourists also snapping photos.

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I could tell that Damon wasn’t really happy about the crowd forming around the birds, and thought maybe he was just looking to get a bit more solitude under the tree. We waited a bit, but the birds didn’t leave and neither did the million amateur photographers, so we walked on around the path.

We soon found another willow, though this one had a sign in front of it on it saying, “Stay on the Path”.

Willow Tree

Damon sighed in disappointment and I said “No one’s around, go ahead!” and urged him under the tree. It was pretty clear from the ground that plenty of folks had ignored the sign, anyway. Then he beckoned me down under the tree as well, so I hopped down the path.

Before I knew it, he had taken the ring box out of his pocket and was asking me to marry him! He said a bunch of sweet things, none of which I remember, and we both cried. And look at this thing, it’s freaking gorgeous!!

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IT’S SO PRETTY! #handmodel #gladipaintedmynails

We spent the rest of the afternoon texting family and friends to let them know and spent a portion of our remaining time at wandering around the garden a bit and then just sitting on benches, holding hands and admiring my fancy new bling.

All the rest of my photos of the Botanic Garden are different angles of my hand in front of pretty green scenery, but I think for blog purposes, one is enough. Haha.

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Double Ray-Ban dorks. Excited!

We are both super thrilled and excited to be engaged. And as Damon said — I can’t wait to marry my best friend!

Hope you’re ready for me to blog about my confusion with wedding planning, because I’m already overwhelmed and it’s been 3 days. Still basking in the glow of this amazing hardware though!

Funny, Life, Shopping

The 7 Most Ridiculous Amazon Prime Day Sales

Well, it’s that time of year again! Amazon is doing some spring cleaning and is pulling out ALL THE STOPS to get us to buy shit from their cruddy garage sale. That’s right, it’s PRIME DAY!

Amazon has literally gone into the depths of their warehouse to dig out items covered in cobwebs and generations of dust bunny families and sell them to you (yes, you) at a tremendous (-ish) discount. Here are 5 items I’m certain you definitely have a use for but didn’t even know you needed. So get to it!

 

1. AmScope PS25 Prepared Microscope Slide Set for Basic Biological Science Education, 25 Slides, Includes Fitted Wooden Case

 

 

Who doesn’t need a set of microscope slides? I see in the title here it reads “for Basic Biological Science Education”, but what’s more educational than checking out the moldy science experiment you’re growing on the bag of shredded cheese that somehow got pushed to the back of your fridge? Don’t forget your microscope, either!

 

2. CPR Call Blocker V202 1200 Number Capacity Block Telemarketer Calls, Solicitor Calls, Junk Faxes

 

Yes, that’s the exact listing title for this wonder of technology. There’s little you need more in life than to block unwanted callers on your trusty analog home phone line. With a gorgeously designed UI and a giant red “BLOCK NOW” button, I hope you’ll not forget about us plebes left behind in the 21st century.

 

3. MaxBrew 24K GOLD Keurig Accessories (1) Single K-Cup Reusable (1) K-Carafe Reusable (3) Premium Water Filters for Keurig 2.0 – The Ultimate Accessory Pack

What better way to cement your status as a member of the bourgeoise than with your 24 karat gold k-cup brewer? The one thing this has against you is that it’s reusable, but at a price like this, they might as well be disposable. Buy 365 and toss them until next year’s PRIME DAY!

 

4. Bestway Lay-Z-Spa Miami Inflatable Hot Tub

 

This is for those of you considering having Pop-Pop in the attic (the mere fact that I’m calling it that tells you I’m not ready). Also, this seems like the perfect item to have delivered to your office so they can hold it in the mail room until you’re ready to bear hug it on to mass transit during rush hour.

 

5. HYDRA SmartBottle – BPA-FREE Water Bottle, Bluetooth Speaker with Speakerphone, 4000 mAh Power Bank Charger, Multicolor LED Light – Free Android and iPhone App

 

You know that person on the train who’s listening to music but “forgot” his headphones? Or for you more suburban types, when you’re in the grocery store and someone’s got their significant other on speakerphone because they forgot their list, and somehow end up following you row after row after row? Well, now you can be that person. And, stay hydrated in the process. Take this to the gym.  People will love it.

 

6. Cleaing Heavy Duty Non Slip Machine-made Disposable Shoe Covers with Tread Pattern and Strip on Sole 100 Piece

 

 

Mom’s no-shoes-in-the-house rule is finally in full swing. And, if you can’t remember to take your shoes off, you can either a) wear these all day long and remove them when you get home (yes, that means you have to wear them to school) or b) put these on before you walk through the door. And yes, that means your friends, too.

 

7. API Pondcare Master Liquid Test Kit

 

 

Does this test for lead? Asking for an American friend.

8. BONUS: Amazon Echo

You’re not a true American unless you purchase a plastic idol to worship. And what better than a cylinder that actually speaks to you, can answer questions about the weather, and adjust the temperature and music in your house? (I’ve made my choice. I actually bought one of these and will report back on whether or not I become (more of) a self-righteous douchecanoe.)

 

Well, what are you waiting for? Get over to Amazon and stock up! Happy Amazon Prime Day!

TV & Movies

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 10

Well, it’s taken me a couple of weeks to process that GOT is actually over for the season. *Sigh* I also read that next season will be pushed back until May or possibly even later, which is almost as devastating as the Red Wedding. Almost.

Anyhoo, I proceed on to my final GOT recap of 2016, before I move on to other topics and television shows for the remainder of the year. As usual, a bit of spoiler space for anyone who hasn’t seen the episode yet (but let’s be honest, everyone has):

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Firstly, our Stark direwolf is back on Winterfell in the opening credits. FINALLY.

The show opens in King’s Landing, in one of the most amazing montages I think the show has ever had. You can really feel the weight of the situation at hand — it’s time for trial, and it’s truly a matter of life and death for both Cersei and Margaery.

I also want to point out that the music for this montage is particularly awesome. Major, major props to Ramin Dijawadi for this piece. I’ve listened to it twice since the episode, and still get goosebumps when I listen to it. Enjoy:

Check out that outfit Cersei’s wearing. Some shit’s going down today — no question about it.

And so, we move to Loras in the Sept; confessing his crimes. It seems as though he’s being encouraged by Margaery, so I assume it all fell in to her plan. When he was pushed to his knees and the Sparrows got out their knife, Damon and I immediately assumed they were going to kill him. Oh. Duh. Not so — he’s just getting initiated into the carved forehead brothers club. Still, ouch.

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This is like when frat bros get tats, except without all the drinking and chest-bumping beforehand. Initiation’d.

Pycelle gets summoned by a little bird, drawn into Qyburn’s lair, and stabbed a zillion times. In the book, this happens to Kevan in his own room, and is perpetrated by Varys. So, a little odd. I can see why they’d want to include the scene, as it is shocking to watch a bunch of children murder someone, but it didn’t really feel completely necessary here. Neither did the entirety of one of those little birds suspiciously getting Lancel to follow him down into a deep underground tunnel where he gets literally stabbed in the back and left for dead. Other than, of course, to let us see a glint of green in the nearby barrels. (Wildfire! I win!) Lancel clearly can’t stop what’s about to happen, so…this whole thing was for suspense, I guess.

Margaery has clearly figured out that shit’s about to go down, and she hasn’t even seen Cersei in her black armor dress today. But the High Sparrow apparently knows best.

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I really did think she was going to get out. I’m thoroughly disappointed that she didn’t. Fuck the Sparrows, I couldn’t care less about them getting blown to green smithereens. But Marg? She had a plan, man. And we never got to see it. (This kind of makes me feel like the show Lost — I wonder if there ever really was a plan, or if the showrunners just did whatever they wanted with her knowing they didn’t need to have any true end game. Hmph.)

But anyway. BOOM. The candles go out and the wildfire blows up, taking the entirety of Baelor’s Sept with it.

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I’ma be straight up, I got no sympathy for this guy.

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And…Cersei and her wine. Victory sip. Also, she’s got Septa Shame? I’d like to know how she ended up with her, but I guess it shouldn’t come as a surprise that with the undead Mountain around Cersei can have pretty much anything she wants at this point. When she told Shame gal that she wouldn’t die today I thought, “whoa, okay girl…you do you.” YUCK. The feeling of victory is short lived, though. She’s left Tommen alone, and, well…that doesn’t go over particularly well.

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This is the first time that Tommen ever makes a decision solely based on himself and his own feelings — and he immediately follows through. The scene where he sort of “falls” out of the window was shot particularly well and I loved the direction in it. The silence and the solitude really gave you a sense of where Tommen’s head was at the time.

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Prophecy fulfilled: Gold will be their crowns and gold their shrouds. All of Cersei and Jaime’s children are now deceased.

And then before we know it we’re back to the Riverlands and The Twins, where we see Jaime and Bronn having a grand ol’ time. (Didja eat that bread and salt? Because it don’t mean shit around here, brah.) A gal that Bronn’s interested in keeps making eyes at Jaime (though later we discover it’s not for the reason we think), and they have a fun little conversation with some ladies. Jaime and Walder Frey end up having a really pointed conversation about being “Kingslayers”, and I’d wager Jaime has never felt worse. Though his show character doesn’t really portray it very much, Jaime does have honor. So screw off, Walder Frey.

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Then we bounce over to Old Town for a quick visit with Gilly and Sam. We see the white ravens being released signaling the start of winter (duh). Sam gets to see the most amazing library in the world, and finally has everything he ever wanted — a million books, a Gilly, and Heartsbane. He may be the only character in all of Planetos that’s actually happy right now. Everything’s coming up Samwell.

A long, trudging jaunt North takes us back to Winterfell, where we see Davos confront Melly about her and Shireen’s campfire, from which Shireen did not return. Liam Cunningham has an amazing scene here. And now, Jon is ready to decree his judgment and — Mel will be banished? That whole thing seems very odd to me. That ain’t the justice of the North.

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It’s head chopping or it’s nothing around here. Clearly my Azor Ahai/burning sword theory was incorrect, but I can deal if — as Mel foretold — she and Arya are able to meet up next season. Littlefinger has his throne dreams; Sansa does not swipe right. Sansa promises to be honest with Jon from now on.

And now alllllll the way South to Dorne — Olenna Tyrell saying what we’ve all been thinking since the episode where Oberyn was killed. Enough with the Sand Snakes already. Also, like, how far in the future is this? She’s in all black mourning the loss of her entire family less than half an hour after it happened. Book wise, this should be entirely different; there are more members of House Tyrell that are not currently in King’s Landing. In addition, I think it’s relatively clear that they will ally with Aegon, who does not exist in the show-verse. Also, hey Varys. Nice of you to take your water-jetpack over.

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I mean, he literally got here in like 5 seconds. What gives?

And back to Meereen, where Dany is breaking up with Daario. It was time. Bye, Felicia; this Queen gotta find a real hubby (pls Jon Snow pls). She and Tyrion get a great scene where he can really ask how she feels about the fact that she’s headed home to Westeros. But I think this question was posed more to the viewers than anyone else. How do we feel about the fact that she’s finally headed over? Like, FINALLY. We’ve waited forever. She names Tyrion the Hand of the Queen and it’s an emotional moment — he’s finally earned it with his own merits. Not because of his family name. Rad. He deserves it after a season spent piddling around making jokes with Missandei and Grey Worm.

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Back to the Twins. Oh yes, yes, here we go — time for Frey Pies! (This does happen in the book, too, albeit quite a bit differently — but I’ll take it, because he deserves it!) I do wish he’d have gotten a good bite down before she told him what was in the pie but…holy shit, that’s Arya. This was so completely unexpected. No wonder she was eyeballing Jaime before — he’s on the list! Wondering how exactly the faceless faces work, but I guess she knows the technology behind it now. Also, she seems to be enjoying this death a little…too much? If that can even be said for Walder Frey? We’ll see how this affects her going forward. Hopefully she runs in to her family and changes her murderous ways.

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And now, the final roundup. Bran gets us in to the Tower of Joy, finally. It is CONFIRMED. Jon Snow is the daughter of Lyanna Stark and some whispered name they won’t tell us until next season (spoiler alert, it’s Rhaegar Targaryen).

Back in Winterfell, it’s clear that baby is Baby Jon. Lyanna Mormont gives another rousing speech (seriously, Lady Mormont for Season 10 MVP). She’s cool as hell, but she’s also wrong. Ned Stark’s blood doesn’t run through Jon’s veins, and now we all know it. This KINGINDANORF scene is eerie and feels unsafe. Littlefinger is giving Jon an evil eye — he had planned to have Sansa leading the North, but she’s giving it up in favor of Jon. Although this is clearly meaningful to Jon, it channels Robb’s coronation. And we all know how that ended.

This time, on the narrow sea, but not across — Daenerys is ACTUALLY ON A SHIP, SAILING TO WESTEROS. Yes, you heard that right. And Varys has shared his teleportation skills with Highgarden and Dorne. They are on the way. Ominous.

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And that’s it. 10 episodes are over, and now we wait. I’m excited for the next season and have high hopes it will be action-packed.

See you in 12ish months! (*Sob*)

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