Well…it’s that time of year again! Game of Thrones is back! Even for us book readers — this is the year we’ll find out the answers to so many of our questions: whether Jon Snow lives or dies, who his parents are, and where Daenerys is heading. Also, is Bran going to get assimilated in to underground tree-ville? How hard is it for someone to get Jorah some lotion for that dry-ass skin he’s got going on? And of course, the ever-present, how many more living book characters are D&D going to kill off for the purposes of the show?
Now – I won’t go in to too much detail, but here’s my take on last night’s episode. And, for anyone who hasn’t seen the episode yet — SPOILERS. SPOILERS. SPOILERS. Spoilers are coming.
I mean it. The night is dark and full of spoilers. Here we go.
I’m spoilering you. Starting…now.
Okay, right now.
And, go. So, the show started off focusing on this fucking guy:
(Snagged from the internet)
I mean, he’s kind of the biggest deal right now, so this makes sense. We start off seeing his (true and loyal) Night’s Watch bros discover his body. They haul him off for safe keeping and are understandably pretty upset. (Me too, Edd. Me too.) Now, we’re not here yet chronologically in the books of course, but in some aspects are pretty far away (I mean, Davos, where the hell is Rickon?) but I can at least appreciate that we do get more Davos scenes at the wall, and they’re good ones. Melisandre gets a look at everything and starts questioning herself, and I mean, come ON just get to it already! JSnow is coming back, and I just know Melly is involved. I refuse to believe that anything else could be true. (Also, you know what, it makes a lot of sense that Mel would be questioning herself, considering her leech trick doesn’t seem to have done as well in the show as it did in the books.)
Either way — I’m excited to see what happens in this storyline, but it’s not quite right, book-wise — and I’m currently struggling to get over that. Come back to me at the end of the season and we’ll see if I’ve learned to tolerate the divergence.
Next up, we visit these two escapees:
These two. Book storylines be damned, Sansa and Theon are on the run. Theon’s scheme to lure the dogs away from Sansa literally works for about 30 seconds. Not even sure why that needed to be included. I was pleasantly surprised to see our old pal Brienne of Tarth arrive to save the two of them. But also, is this whole thing a dream sequence? Stannis is dead? Brienne has actually found Sansa? I’m interested to see where they take this. I’ve read that the showrunners may possibly intend to use Sansa as a bit of a plot replacement for Lady Stoneheart, so…we’ll see. Would much rather have zombie Catelyn Stark. Podrick correcting and helping Sansa through accepting Brienne’s sword was pretty adorable, though. Pod + Sansa 4 ever.
Speaking of odd couples, here’s some people I have no sympathy for:
Jaime shouldn’t be here, Myrcella shouldn’t be dead, and he should never have gone to Dorne. But, I digress. This whole situation is just very odd to me. At least Cersei mentioned the prophecy (I feel like it might be the first time she did?). Now I think it’s pretty clear that Tommen is going to die too — but where? And when? Poor Margaery. Once, twice, three times a widowwww. (And I’ll quickly mention her here — my first Monty Python reference of the day — “Confess! Confess! Poke her with the soft cushion!”)
And now, for the most rage-incuding scenes of the night:
Doran Martell is probably one of the best characters in the books. This guy is a straight up mastermind. Conniving, pointed, intelligent — everything you’d want in someone vying for the throne. And believe me, he has a plan. He’s hedged the hell out of his bets, and is ready and waiting. (Also, a solid casting choice.) So, what better way to preserve his character than have him murdered by people who really should be listening to his plans? And then kill Trystane? (Also, how the hell did those two Sand Snakes even get on the boat? Did they ride there from Dorne? Did they swim?) I can only assume that they’re planning to have Ellaria take up his cause but am really disappointed by this. They’ve taken a shit on the whole Dorne storyline and I’m not particularly happy about it. I wish they’d even included Quentyn, however pointless his quest may be. *HEAVY SIGH*
I’m going to mention this gal about as quickly as she came and went:
Oh hey Arya, good to see you. You’re clearly still in training, and apparently no one in Braavos gives a flying fuck if a bitch beats up a blind beggar with a stick in broad daylight.
And now since we’re in Essos, a visit to Meereen and our old pal, Daenerys:
Damn, I miss Barristan Selmy. Meereen has issues, no surprise there — and Tyrion and Varys are just struttin’ around when it’s clearly pretty dangerous. Interesting choice. Daario and Jorah have joined forces (adorable?) and are out Khaleesi hunting. And Dany has a nice chat with Khal Brogo (thanks, internet) and his henchmen. Who are also very Monty Python-esque. (“What have the romans ever done for us? … The aqueduct?” or “Our three key elements are: surprise, fear, and ruthless efficiency!”) Okay, okay. Top 5. I’d read a lot of theories online (and agreed with them) that the Dothraki would be taking Dany to Vaes Dothrak, and it does seem that that’s the case. So, no shock there…but once she gets there, that will be new to me.
Last, but certainly not least, #iwokeuplikethis Mel:
Mofuggin sweet necklace, girlfriend. This also didn’t come as a surprise to me because it’s kind of been unconfirmed theory for a long time. Good to know it’s true. The one thing it did get me wondering was — is it possible she’ll give her own life for Jon’s? I still have suspicions that it will be Shireen that does in the books…but it’s an interesting thought. And we know she knows how to revive people (ahem, thank you Thoros and Beric). (Show only, of course.) Only time will tell, and dammit if they drag JSnow out three or four episodes I’m gonna lose my shit.
That’s all for this episode…stay tuned to see where they take it from here and how much angrier I get throughout Season 6!