It’s that time again…My weekly Game of Thrones recap! I was happy with this week’s episode, though it felt too short. Why can’t they just release all the damn episodes at once, Netflix-style? Oh that’s right, because I’d have to take a vacation day from work to make sure I watched every single episode immediately. And then another vacation day to sleep off my GOT hangover.
(I did that for the fourth season of Arrested Development. I’m pretty sure it’s the first and only time I have seen the sunrise in the last 10+ years. Is that sad?)
And now, for my obligatory spoiler space:
SPOILERS SPOILERS HERE COME THE SPOILERS
I AIN’T PLAYIN’
I MEAN IT
WHEN I GIVE THE SPOILERS
HERE THEY COME
Okay that’s enough.
Fortunately for us, this episode started at Castle Black. We got a glimpse of some Jon Snow BOO-TAY *waggles eyebrows* as he sits upright and is conveniently caught by our pal Davos. Davos gives him a nice cloak straight out of the dryer to warm up in while Melisandre comes in for an interrogation.
“Is there gold in the village? What did you see while you were dead? Where is Beric Dondarrion?”
Jon actually has a pretty heavy response to her question about what exists after death: Nothing. He saw nothing, he knows nothing. It’s actually pretty interesting that he also says, “I shouldn’t be here.” As usual, I look forward to reading this in the books. Knowing that he’ll be spectating from within Ghost, I’m interested to see if he actually does not want to be brought back to life after his death.
Anyhoo, Jon gets dressed and heads out into the icy courtyard to surprise everyone with his reanimation. Tormund eases up the tension with a clever dick joke and Jon gets some hugs from his pals. It’s like old friends getting back together again, if the last time you’d seen your friend he was stone cold dead laying on a table and it was yesterday.
Next up we “cruise” (boat pun) on over to Sam and Gilly, who are at sea (see?) on their way to Oldtown.
Sam is seasick as hell (I don’t know how you could not be, but please take in to account that I get motion sick at the gym when I’m running on the treadmill and trying to watch one of the stationary TVs as my head bobs up and down) and Gilly is enjoying the adventure. Until, that is, she finds out that women can’t study to be maesters and that they earn .79 for every dollar a man earns. (Some bullshit, ain’t it gurl?)
Eventually she agrees to go to Horn Hill and settle in with Sam’s family. I don’t know what’s to come when they arrive, as Sam hasn’t exactly shared any nice memories of the place where he grew up. Best of luck to you, Gilly and Baby Sam. Let’s hope Daddy Tarly ain’t in a mood.
One more thing — Sam’s dad was pret-ty dang upset about the idea of him becoming a maester in his childhood. Not sure how he’s gonna take that news. But either way — Gilly, whatever you do, do not take your baby and follow anyone in to the dog kennels. That will not end well.
FLASHBACK! Bran is on another journey, this time to the ~*Tower of Joy*~. This is the place.
IN THIS CORNER, THE YOUNG AND HONORABLE NED STARK OF WINTERFELL AND BAND OF MERRY MEN, INCLUDING HIS CRANNOGMAN COMPANION, HOWLAND REED. IN THIS CORNER, SER ARTHUR DAYNE, THE SWORD OF THE MORNING AND HONORABLE BADASS MOTHERFUCKER.
Love the casting on both young Ned and Arthur Dayne. We get to see, for the first time, Bran seeing the truth about the fight — that Howland dishonorably killed Dayne from behind. But, it was either that, or lose Ned — Howland saved his life. Bran has heard Ned’s side of that story for a long time, and is having one of those “oh my god, my parents are people” moments. Just as everything is as it should be, the fight ends, and we’re ready to see what we’ve all been waiting for…
A GIANT COCKBLOCK. Bran isn’t allowed into the tower. This some bullshit.
“You must learn everything, Bran! Not today tho lol time for a nap. Also fuck the viewers” – 1000 yr old tree jerk
The only saving grace in this scene was that Ned appeared to hear Bran calling out to him from the future. What does it mean? I don’t know yet, but I like it.
Next we make a quick jaunt over to Vaes Dothrak.
Maybe I’m crazy, but I don’t remember giant horse statues anywhere near here. The Dothraki aren’t builders. They steal things. And they’re nomads. These are tripping me out. I’m going to pretend that they found them somewhere like this and just stuck them up here.
Anyway, Daenerys is getting dropped off at her slumber party. But guess what, there’s already a clique formed, and they don’t take kindly to girls who have a billion titles. On Wednesdays, they wear brown. Surprise surprise, Dany’s not safe here.
The Regina George of the Dosh Khaleen
MEANWHILE, IN MEEREEN…What will these crazy kids get in to next, now that the show killed off Ser Barristan? Well, today, Tyrion is trying to make jokes and Varys is blackmailing a murderer.
Tyrion learns that Missandei and Grey Worm have literally no sense of humor, and is feeling really disappointed that the one item he chose to carry across the Narrow Sea in his crate was Pictionary.
And next, as if reading our minds — the GOT folks knew exactly what we weren’t getting enough of. I work full time, 40 hours a week. I sit down on the weekend and I watch fantasy shows because I need to see more meetings.
I can sum this whole scene up for you pretty quickly, with a second Mean Girls reference.
Also, thanks for the Pycelle fart joke, guys. Needed something to keep me sane while watching this.
To wrap up our Kings Landing updates, we head to Tommen, who’s gone over to stand up to the High Sparrow. This whole scene, as I see it, is basically a conversation between two kids. Tommen, the gullible little brother, comes over trying to get his way. “I DEMAND that my mother be allowed to see Myrcella! I’m the King!” Then the High Sparrow pulls the classic older sibling move. “No, no — you want to eat all the yellow banana Runts. They’re better, see? All the cool kids are eating them.” Guess who comes out on top. (Hint: It’s always the one that got the better flavored Runts. Red and pink FTW)
Also, I couldn’t find any pictures of this scene except one on Buzzfeed that had a stupid superimposed caption. Whatever, Tommen. We know what you look like. Get used to not being around, anyway, you’ll be dead soon.
And now…it’s time for everybody’s favorite blind apprentice!
Just add some sweet-ass 80’s music and you’ve got yourself a killer training montage. Arya gets her eyes back by drinking from the death fountain, which seems rather suspicious. But what about the House of Black and White isn’t, at this point?
Also rather interesting that she mentioned The Hound and specifically that she hadn’t killed him, but had left him to die. Might we be seeing our old friend back again later this season? I have high hopes. (CLEGANEBOWL 2016 GET HYPE)
Heading back to northern Westeros, we see Ramsay Bolton (yuck) again. Haven’t we had enough of this guy? And an Umber has brought him a gift:
Oh, come the fuck on with this. First off, nice to see you Rickon and Osha, it’s been ages. But like, best timing, right? As you’re handed over to a lunatic murderer? And also — SHAGGYDOG? Come ON. No more animal deaths! My sensitive soul can’t take it. My only saving grace right now is that the internet suggests that might not really be Shaggy, as the head was so small. Let’s hope the real Direwolf is just busy licking himself outside Winterfell right now waiting to gnaw all over Ramsay.
And last but not least, we’re bookended back at Castle Black. Jon’s going for that sweet man bun look, which is the new hotness among those who have returned from the dead. He’s on his way to the gallows, where we find none other than Alliser Thorne and Olly ready to go for a swing. TIME TO DIE, BITCHES!
Jon swings his sword to cut the rope and we get to watch those two (among others) kick around deliciously while they turn blue. YOU KILLED JON SNOW YOU FRICKING IDIOTS. YOU DESERVE IT. However, Jon is clearly struggling to pass the sentence on these guys. One wonders if it’s because he knows what’s to come for them (he seen death, y’all).
After a few difficult moments, he passes off his Lord Commander’s cloak to Edd (999th LC, anyone?) and heads out.
YAAAASSS best line of the night! It’s time, JSnow. Get out there and get Winterfell back from that flaying bastard and CLAIM YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE ON THE THRONE AS THE KING OF EVERYTHING*.
*Okay, that last bit may have gotten away from me there. But I think we all know Jon has an important role to play. At least he’s got to rescue Rickon, right? Right? … Don’t ruin this for me. JSnow 4 LYFE.